There comes a point when the work of your human flesh gets in God’s way, even if you’re living intentionally for Him, even when you don’t intend it.
My oldest child was very sick as an infant and toddler. I went through three pediatricians, one of whom accused me of having Munchausen Syndrome, before I finally took matters into “my own hands.” As the physicians said nothing was wrong with him, my friends and family began to look for answers. One reported that he could have herpes of his major organs; once it reached the brain he would die. This baby boy, now at 14 months of age, lay sleeping in his crib while I was in my room bawling on my knees. The fear of losing my child was so great, so looming, that I could bear it no longer. I looked up to heaven, figuratively held my boy up to the Father, and spoke these words, “If you want him, please take him. I do not want him to suffer. Not my will, but yours be done.” A miracle happened. I instantly felt a warm “ooze” hit my head, flow over my face, instantaneously stopping my sobbing, and drip down the entirety of my body, running off my fingers and toes. I heard Him say, “You have not because you ask not.” Three questions leapt from my tongue: 1) I want a diagnosis, 2) I want a treatment, and 3) I want no long-term consequences. I received all of those and by 22 months, my son was released from the infectious disease physician’s care. Today, he’s a healthy 15 year old that excels in singing, acting, and dance and loves The Lord.
Was it wrong for me to want the healing of my child? No. It’s not like it was anything sinful; however, fear held the number one place in my soul. I had prayed before. I had pleaded with God, but I was in the way. My fear overwhelmed my faith and held God in handcuffs. “Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” John 12:25 ESV. In this verse we understand that God is to be the center of our affections; He’s our source. The first commandment says, “You shall have no other gods before me.” Instead of looking to God to be my provider, I was listening to the world’s opinions. The moment I surrendered my child, the cause of my fear, God burst onto the scene and my prayers were answered.
I’m revisiting this lesson today. It applies to me, yet again. This time, just as last time, I’ve tried to control the outcome with my actions and words…and gotten in His way. The outcome I desire isn’t sinful, but it’s MY desire. I have to yield to His will and surrender the result, even if it means not comprehending the plan. Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in The Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.”
Last time His will and mine were in agreement; my child was healed. This time might not be the same. Regardless, His will be done. Amen.